Stream of thought

I am waiting to have a conversation with Karen...it was supposed to be about the elephant, I am starting to lose interest when it comes to Karen, all I really want to do with her right now is fuck her

Till she hurts.

I wrote the above when Karen and I were waiting to go see a relationship councillor; I had got back from work early so that we could discuss her seeing her new man and what it was doing to me in particular. She was late arriving of course Karen will put off having to confront issues that hurt someone else.

Karen has way of rationalising things in her head, when I found out that she was seeing him she was sorry for what she had done, but she said was lonely which I understood because we had grown apart.

Me I was just hoping that life would sort itself out but it didn’t and here we are. I don’t know what I want from her; I can’t forgive her the feeling of betrayal and the willingness to just move on so quickly.

In my heart I know that it won’t last  with him because you have to love yourself before you can love someone else and Karen really needs to look at herself first before running into another relationship. And also he really doesn’t have much of a personality but he is an artist with weathered hands and chunky boots (Karen has a type me I just love women).

the last bit from above was just my lonely horniness speaking I have just wanted to fuck Karen practically every moment since we have split up go figure on that one Mr Freud, and the sex that we did have was rather fun.

In my car about to eat chicken and roll myself a give dobby...Kent is on my mind.....

I am really into getting into putting my thoughts and feelings down anywhere now be it paper be it electronically, when my mind is overflowing and me brain is coming loose and the thoughts are rushing all over the place i have to get them down , so when it’s in red it means that I just wrote down something at the time on my phone to come back and rationalise it later.

if there is chicken involved then italso means that I was in my car at ASDA's car Park eating five pieces of hot chicken for two pounds squashed around cheesy rolls (god I know how to live) and at the time I was also rolling myself a doobie to be used latter to calm myself down. It was a Wednesday night and having talked to Karen I knew that she was going off for the weekend to Kent to do a metal work course...

I also knew that the Elephant was going with her (the elephant is the man that she is seeing, i won't mention his name yet but i do hope that he gets cancer and dies), it is weird to rationalise the concept of someone else being with her and fucking her, sharing the intimate moments that we used to share.

My head is full of these thoughts all of the time now stirring up feelings that I wish I could suppress we may have split up in real life and in real time but emotionally I haven't let go yet.

wow sitting in a pub slightly blasted tweeting; face booking writing on my blog ...it is amazing that you can follow my world electronically now.
Blight, sound cloud all of the above....my clouding life.

This was later in the evening, having walked to the pub from my little room smoking a large joint; the weed helps numb me and allows me to think outside my usual box.

I arrived at the pub mellow and full of ideas, I loved the fact that even though I was by myself electronically I was cloud computing and intouch with the world, I was sending tweets of no real importance and updating my Facebook with before and after pictures of the pint of Guinness, which the barman had drawn a shamrock into the froth for me.

i love the fact that you can be aware of what people are up to via the internet, it is a fish bowl that anyone in the world can watch me from the ouside.

It was a nice hour I smoked a large one on my way back to my room watched some porn over the wireless internet and had a large fun wank.

Waiting for Karen.....feel sick, Jesus that's what this has turned into nausea.....

What roll am I supposed to take, the jealous boyfriend or lover....she has become an addiction to me?