Friday the 3rd of march

its Friday the 3rd of march, today is really shit for me I can’t get Karen
out of my head today, I spoke to her at twelve last night, and then had broken
dreams for the rest of the night, I just want to not be thinking of her.
I have no idea why I am torturing myself so much, I have had really crap
times with Karen she is lovely at times but the burden of just looking out for
and stroking her ego has taken a toll on me. I have lost myself AGAIN IN A
RELATIONSHIP it happened with Laura which wasn’t a problem because I think I
just moved on but this time it’s different and more heart-breaking.
I am obsessed with the fact of him............if she was as miserable as me
then I don’t think I would be all that bothered, but saying that Eddie someone
else is dealing with her shit, you aren't no Libby to worry about, she is sorting
out the house the dogs and her life you’re not getting screaming phone calls
berating you for things you have no control over,
It’s the sex thing, the idea of him being in her giving her pleasure that
you could not (wow that’s a big thing for you), because Eddie the sex with
Karen has never really been that amazing.
Karen even from the very beginning of our relationship held herself back
from you, for Christ sake Eddie you don’t even come inside her, you have had
better sex with Laura, caz Trudi and even though it was only once Toot.
I need to have pure nasty sex with someone else, I need to break whatever
hold that Karen has over me at the moment...I asked her to not sleep with him
in our bed she said that she would respect my wishes whatever that means..... Even
why does that bother you Eddie you know deep down that it won’t last with him
he is just giving her what she needs to get through each day you don’t have to
anymore.
I have become co-dependent on Karen you really need to move on and fuck
something else, next week time to get fit and healthy again.
the sex was sometimes good but always wrapped up in karens head.

Stream of thought

I am waiting to have a conversation with Karen...it was supposed to be about the elephant, I am starting to lose interest when it comes to Karen, all I really want to do with her right now is fuck her

Till she hurts.

I wrote the above when Karen and I were waiting to go see a relationship councillor; I had got back from work early so that we could discuss her seeing her new man and what it was doing to me in particular. She was late arriving of course Karen will put off having to confront issues that hurt someone else.

Karen has way of rationalising things in her head, when I found out that she was seeing him she was sorry for what she had done, but she said was lonely which I understood because we had grown apart.

Me I was just hoping that life would sort itself out but it didn’t and here we are. I don’t know what I want from her; I can’t forgive her the feeling of betrayal and the willingness to just move on so quickly.

In my heart I know that it won’t last  with him because you have to love yourself before you can love someone else and Karen really needs to look at herself first before running into another relationship. And also he really doesn’t have much of a personality but he is an artist with weathered hands and chunky boots (Karen has a type me I just love women).

the last bit from above was just my lonely horniness speaking I have just wanted to fuck Karen practically every moment since we have split up go figure on that one Mr Freud, and the sex that we did have was rather fun.

In my car about to eat chicken and roll myself a give dobby...Kent is on my mind.....

I am really into getting into putting my thoughts and feelings down anywhere now be it paper be it electronically, when my mind is overflowing and me brain is coming loose and the thoughts are rushing all over the place i have to get them down , so when it’s in red it means that I just wrote down something at the time on my phone to come back and rationalise it later.

if there is chicken involved then italso means that I was in my car at ASDA's car Park eating five pieces of hot chicken for two pounds squashed around cheesy rolls (god I know how to live) and at the time I was also rolling myself a doobie to be used latter to calm myself down. It was a Wednesday night and having talked to Karen I knew that she was going off for the weekend to Kent to do a metal work course...

I also knew that the Elephant was going with her (the elephant is the man that she is seeing, i won't mention his name yet but i do hope that he gets cancer and dies), it is weird to rationalise the concept of someone else being with her and fucking her, sharing the intimate moments that we used to share.

My head is full of these thoughts all of the time now stirring up feelings that I wish I could suppress we may have split up in real life and in real time but emotionally I haven't let go yet.

wow sitting in a pub slightly blasted tweeting; face booking writing on my blog ...it is amazing that you can follow my world electronically now.
Blight, sound cloud all of the above....my clouding life.

This was later in the evening, having walked to the pub from my little room smoking a large joint; the weed helps numb me and allows me to think outside my usual box.

I arrived at the pub mellow and full of ideas, I loved the fact that even though I was by myself electronically I was cloud computing and intouch with the world, I was sending tweets of no real importance and updating my Facebook with before and after pictures of the pint of Guinness, which the barman had drawn a shamrock into the froth for me.

i love the fact that you can be aware of what people are up to via the internet, it is a fish bowl that anyone in the world can watch me from the ouside.

It was a nice hour I smoked a large one on my way back to my room watched some porn over the wireless internet and had a large fun wank.

Waiting for Karen.....feel sick, Jesus that's what this has turned into nausea.....

What roll am I supposed to take, the jealous boyfriend or lover....she has become an addiction to me?

 

Karen we are full of emotions and everyday takes us on a roller-coaster, the last three years have been mad, sad exciting, crazy bonkers and lovely.
I have loved you since the day I saw you in Cambridge in your old battered hat...and I am sill sorry for calling you Jane...thank you for the music , you will always be in my heart...sleep tight and I will always have time to talk to you..


The above was a text I sent at twelve o’clock on a Friday night, I had watched the Movie Hugo about an orphan French boy living in a train station and drank a lot of red wine (trust me the movie warranted the amount of red wine that I consumed).
Drunken Texting is when you are at your most honest and whiney; from jotting down thoughts I have come to the conclusion that I am becoming a whiney whingey little girl with big long blond pigtails.
The sooner I stop feeling sorry for myself the better.

I am now living away from Karen because it really is hard to bear being around her (I am not really sure how I feel around Karen now, do I still love her or is it you just like having sex with her, Don’t get me wrong she is funny sexy lovely, but she also has such a Baggage train with her that at times that I just crave the peace and quiet of being single.

I will get over her and with each day it does become a little easier...as a friend said maybe it is better to remain friends because it will only help when in six months we can still talk to each other.

The above is true I am trying to find a balance in my life at the moment and I do look forward to the day that Karen and I are long distance friends.

Dear diary here there be dragons

Last night I dreamed of being a lamp shade a pink frilly one that my grandmother had in her bedroom, what the hell does that mean dreams are odd, I so do miss my teenage years and wet dreams they were something to go to bed for....simplistic times.
As I write I find myself at the age of 45 sitting in my really dirty Ford focus about to start blogging about my life, warts facial hair and all, being able to wright my thoughts down no matter what or where from my amazing smart phone.
Age is weird I am forty five now (I wrote that as a number before now as words which is the right way). I know that I am physically older because I now see my father’s face looking at me from the bathroom mirror but mentally I really don't have a clue, we say that we are children inside but would someone please explain the rules of life to me.
I am making my life up as I go along and that frightens the shit out of me. There are no rules just the human race moving towards an uncertain goal. (What is the goal of humanity as Bill Hicks said to evolve and get the fuck off this planet) all hiding the fact that inside we are all children waiting to be told what to do.

Family history part 4

The street where he lived being a pencil drawing did not bother my grand franchiser, he preferred his next for neighbors to be fictional creatures.

Family history part 3

Grandfather was always fascinated by the idea of witchcraft, many a night he would sit around his black pitted cauldron trying to make a familiar out of twigs and baby fat but all to no avail.

Family history party two

My grandfather loved being in the service, the sense of discipline the tight corsets and the feeling of power over those who were socially below him.
Every day the excitement of the willow cane thwacking against someone inferior to him gave him An erection you could carry logs on.